In class you have received 3 student essays. Your homework assignment is to edit/critique the samples. (A random sample of essays has been selected and they are xeroxed in random order.) You are to read the 3 essays and annotate (keep track of observations, suggestions, strengths, weaknesses and
adherence to the prompt.) After Reading all three essays post your blog response to the the following task:
Your Task:
For each essay, provide:
- A general reaction to the selected literature
- A comment on the strength of the thesis statement (opening paragraph)
- A reaction to the writer's one sentence overview of the selected literature
- A reaction to how well the writer did or didn't support the identified thesis
- A general compliment (something the writer did well)
- A general suggestion (something the writer could do to improve his/her essay)
In your blog, refer to the samples as essay 1, essay 2 and essay 3. Blogs must be posted by 7:30 am on
Tuesday, 2/14/12.
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ReplyDeleteEssay 1:
ReplyDeleteThis essay utilized Lord of the Flies which I feel was a very wise choice because of the numerous foils that appear. This book is also well known to most of us and is a good choice for AP readers. The thesis statement that this person wrote was very strong and it was not a “word find” to find it. The person wrote a general summary of the novel and then tied it into the thesis statement nicely. The one sentence overview of the novel gave a sufficient gist of what occurred. It was strategically placed in the paragraph and I enjoyed the introduction very much. The writer has strengths in supporting the thesis but he also had weaknesses. The reader is using Ralph and Jack as foils, as stated by the thesis and supports that very well in the first paragraph. He successfully compared and contrasted the two characters and also showed how it illuminated the novel as a whole. However, in the fourth paragraph, I feel that he goes off into a tangent about Piggy’s glasses when his thesis says that he is talking about Jack and Ralph. I do not feel that an entire paragraph was necessary for this to lead into the fifth paragraph because a sentence would have sufficied and would have supported the thesis more directly. This person seems to be a very strong writer due to his sophisticated language and sentence structure. As a general suggestion, I would say to completely stick to your thesis and try not to go off into entire paragraphs with details that do not fully support it. Overall, good job!!
Essay 2:
This essay utilized Macbeth which I also feel was a wise choice because of the foil between Macbeth and Macduff. The AP readers truly seem to love when a student uses Shakespeare so I commend this writer of that. The thesis statement was also not a “word find” which is good even though the writer did not use the entirety of the essay question because they did not refer to it illuminating the piece of writing as a whole. I feel it hard to find the one sentence overview of the play because there are just general comments about the play and no sufficient detail to show what actually occurred. The writer did support his thesis but I feel that there was a serious lack in detail of the play and that the essay was more of a general statement about it. There was also superfluous details used throughout that show more of the writer’s opinion than what actually occurred. The introduction seemed confusing because it was hard to pinpoint what the writer’s three main points were and I also did not feel that the following paragraphs supported much from the introduction. As a general compliment, I commend this person for using Macbeth because Shakespeare is not always the easiest type of writing to use and I also commend him for remembering Macbeth (I have no memory of this play…). I also commend him on remembering and using a quote and have a well developed foil description in the third paragraph. As a suggestion, I would say to use a novel that you know well so that you can write more details and make it a stronger essay and to also write more because it seemed that you were on the right track but did not follow through completely.
Essay 3:
ReplyDeleteThis essay utilized Night which I also feel is a wise choice because of the foil between Elie and his father and how they are such stronger characters, not only in the novel but also in the real world. I believe that the thesis statement was well developed because it showed the foil relationship between which characters and later on in the introduction, the person talked about the illumination of the novel as a whole which was also in the prompt. The one sentence overview of the novel was not as strong as it should have been. It was combined with the thesis statement and also within the three main points. I think the writer should have made one solid sentence about the novel that she was using. I believe that the writer supported the thesis very well because all of the paragraphs were on track with what the thesis established that they all went back to the illumination of the story as a whole. As a general compliment, I like the word choice and also the length of the essay. I believe that both of those show strong knowledge and confidence about the novel that the writer is using. As a general suggestion, I would say to work on the introduction and make it more solid. I would also say to make sure to stay on topic the entire time because some sentences drifted away from the thesis.
Essay 1
ReplyDeleteI think that the piece of literature really worked with this topic and personally, if I remembered the story better I would have chose it my self. Additionally, the thesis statement, “the relationship ---- conflict between Ralph and Jack, his foil, illuminates the work as a whole”, is very strong and gives us the writer’s feeling right away. Furthermore, the writer adds a really short summary of what part of the novel he will talk about and this is great for people who have not read the book. For example, he says “at the start of the novel, Ralph is the first to attempt to unite the boys.” Also, the writer seemed to follow his thesis throughout the whole novel and a general compliment I would give this essay is that the writer never got off track and he always talked about what was necessary. On the contrary, a general suggestion I would give this essay is that the penmanship could use some work because some of the words are really hard to read and I can’t read some words at all.
Essay 2
Obviously, the essay seems to be written by a girl, as we can see from the curly y’s and g’s. But, on a serious note, the piece of literature chosen also worked with the topic of the essay. Also, the thesis statement is clear and easy to identify. (“The similarities and differences between Macbeth and Macduff helped give us deep insight on the play”) One thing I noticed about this essay is that the writer did not provide a quick summary about the play, but only went into talking about how Macbeth and Macduff are foils. I feel like it would have been nice to see the author follow his thesis statement using support from the book. A general comment I would give this essay is that the writer seems to have a good style of writing and if he was given more time this essay could have been better. On the contrary, a general suggestion I would give this writer is to come more prepared for the test, or to write faster because it seemed as if he ran out of time. Oh and how could I forget? The best part was obviously the gorgeous penmanship.
Essay 3
To begin, I think that there were many novels that would have worked better with this essay than Night. But, the writer made this novel work with the essay and this was a strength I noticed immediately. The writer’s thesis statement was very clear and strong, “Eli’s father acts as a minor character which emphasizes Eli’s strengths and strong mentality for the will to survive in a concentration camp”. Also, the writer’s summary of the novel is really strong and helps to identify how she is getting her ideas of why Eli and his father are foils. The writer goes on throughout the whole essay to talk about the same thesis statement, and I did not notice a place where she went off topic. A general compliment I would give this essay is the use of time and the following of the topic. A general suggestion I would give this essay is to possibly choose a piece of literature that would have worked even better with this topic.
My general reaction to essay 1 was that it was well written and was well supported with specific evidence to support the thesis. The thesis statement was how the relationship and conflict between Ralph and Jack and how it illuminates the work as a whole. The thesis statement was well written and easily understood. He easily supported it with symbolism and how it illuminated the novel as a whole. I think that the sentence overview in this essay provided a concrete summery if what the book Lord of The Flies is about: “In William Goulding’s Lord…..Island.” the thesis was well supported with evidence with the example of the glasses and the ways it was manipulated by Ralph and Jack. Ralph wanted to use the glasses to start a signal fire while Jack wants to have an organized way to keep the flame working. I think the writer for this essay did very well with incorporating symbolism into explaining the thesis and how the glasses cloud the boy’s vision when it becomes broken. The only advice I would give to improve this essay would be to tie back what the question was with the use of the word “illuminating”.
ReplyDeleteIn essay 2, my general reaction was that the essay was not supported with enough evidence. I felt that I was struggling to understand how Macduff was a foil to Macbeth. The thesis was initially not easy to identify but I was able to find it: “one of the most famous foil in history is Macduff to Macbeth. Macduff is everything Macbeth is not: I think that the thesis was not fully developed. I think that the writer could have expended on it and gave why Macduff is everything Macbeth is not. I got the impression that throughout the essay, the writer didn’t know how to support the thesis with information, it seemed as though he was giving a general idea but not a deeper meaning. Also there wasn’t any explanation of the background of these characters and I think that made it difficult to understand the foil. My suggestions for this essay would be to introduce the name of the literature being talked about and its author. Another suggestion would be to give specific supporting evidence for the thesis and background information for the two characters. I think the writer for this essay did well with analyzing the names of the two characters.
In essay 3, my reaction to the essay was that the essay was very well written and had a lot of supporting evidence. The thesis of the essay was easy to identify: Elies father acts as a minor…survive.” The strength of the thesis was great because it was easily supported with evidence from the story. I thought that the essay had a lot of specific examples to support the thesis. For example, the writer contrasts the idea of the strength that Elie possesses and how difficult it was for his father to walk miles in snow. I think that the writer did good with giving an overview of Night by explaining the conflicts in the story and how the characters behaved through it; the writer did good with not retelling the plot, but giving a general idea of the background. The only thing the writer could improve on for this essay would be to stay on topic because some parts went off topic.
Sample 1
ReplyDeleteThe writer definitely made a good decision in choosing Lord of the Flies. With the emphasis on Jack being a foil to Ralph, it’s an ideal piece to use on a topic like this. The thesis was written decently; they included good word choice and a quick overview on the essay. The only thing I noticed was that they didn’t mention how these foils illuminated the meaning of the work as a whole. Regarding the overall essay, while it stuck to the thesis in a few parts, it didn’t directly talk about how Jack and Ralph were foils. I felt that it talked more about how the island descended into tragedy and the symbols behind Ralph and his foil. The only suggestion I have to this writer is to stick more to their thesis, and this essay would’ve been even better if the writer did that. It would also be better if the writer improved their penmanship, because I found many words to be difficult to read. But overall, this was very concise and well-written.
Sample 2
Macbeth was a good piece of work to use here, since Macduff and Macbeth are c
commemorable foils, and Shakespeare in general is a good piece to use on AP essays. The thesis was decent, but the writer never goes on to elaborate on why Macduff and Macbeth are foils. The thesis also doesn’t mention why these foils illuminate the work as a whole. Regarding the whole essay, it obviously needs more details to support the thesis, and the details that were actually evident seemed like the writer fluffed them. This essay had a lot of potential, but the writer obviously didn’t know much about Macbeth prior to writing this essay. If they used a piece they knew better, then perhaps this essay would’ve been better. (Ahmed has very feminine hand-writing)
Sample 3
I didn’t expect anybody would use Night for this topic, but after reading sample 3, I appreciate how the writer was able to integrate this novel into the essay. The thesis is concise and the rest of their essay thoroughly supports the thesis. They’re able to demonstrate how Elie and his father are similar, yet different while integrating how this illuminates the work as a whole. They’re also able to pull all the details into an effective conclusion. I commend this person for writing a well-written paper in this length in such a short amount of time, but they could probably be more concise, and I felt some parts focused more on their strength of enduring hardships rather than their actual foils. If she took some of those parts off, this would've been a very concise and thorough essay. Other than that, great job!
Upon reading the first essay, I am immediately awed by the authors choice of novel for the response. The authors choice, The Lord of the Flies, was absolutely, stupendously perfect, and deserving of a perfect score all by itself. Unfortunately the thesis statement was slightly less than optimal, because while the foundations of one were present, it was not really specific enough as to what meaning was illuminated. The author also did a good job of overviewing the story, and after explaining the thesis in more detail, did a good job of defending it. Overall, I think the author had a good choice of words, as their vocabulary was powerful and would be helpful in swaying the reader. One suggestion I have is for the author to stay more focused, as the essay occasionally went off on a tangent.
ReplyDeleteThe second essay did not choose as good a novel in my opinion, though it was not bad. The thesis statement was not very clear, and the essay did not develop into a great defense for the author's opinion. The author's once sentence overview was quite good, and made good points, though perhaps somewhat misguided. My suggestion would be for this author to focus more on the task at hand, as the essay seemed to drift.
High five Ahmed.
Of the three essays, I felt like the third's choice for novel was the least viable. This is not to say it was bad by any means, and the author did a fine job overall, but I don't believe I would have been able to defend the novel's use of foils. The thesis statement in this was much like in the first, where it only said something along the lines of, "The novel's use of foils illuminated the meaning of the work." While that's a fine start, it's imperative to explain exactly what the meaning was. Despite this, the author did surprisingly well defending a point that was not clear (I find it hard to put this down in text, but it's done with respect.) In conclusion the author, to me, had very nice transitions of ideas, but needed to be more specific.
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ReplyDeleteThe first essay was an easy read which is always good. The essay made use of the novel Lord of the Flies by William Golding, which in my opinion went really well with the question because Jack and Ralph foil each other throughout the entire novel. In this essay the thesis statement which was “In the novel the relationship and conflict between Ralph and Jack, his foil illuminates the meaning of the work as a whole.” was easily found and it was it was clear as to what was going to be proven. Through out the rest of the essay I felt like the writer got side tracked a little, and that he/she should be careful not to retell or analyze the novel, but if it does happen make sure to tie it back to the over all topic and or your thesis statement. But the writer did have great examples; it’s just a matter of tying it all together.
ReplyDeleteThe second essay (not to be rude or mean) sounded like total BS. It seemed like the writer was just kissing butt. When writing I think it is important to not write the way you talk. Also, the writer should be careful not to use words like you, we, or us; other people should be referred to as the reader. The writer had an okay thesis but it could be a lot stronger, so he/she should possibly work a little more on that. From there on it seemed like the writer wasn’t really sure of what to write. Yes William Shakespeare is always an amazing person to quote or use in one of your essays but if you can’t find supportive evidence as to why you chose a certain story then you shouldn’t have written about it. Therefore, it is important to write an outline before you start writing that way you know everything that you are going to include in your essay. The writer seemed to be very vague when describing how Macduff foils Macbeth. He/ she had an okay start by stating, “… Macbeth is everything Macbeth is not” now if only the writer would have expanded on that the person would have been okay. I felt like the writer had a few good points, he just didn’t bring them anywhere. So in the future it would be best to elaborate and expand on the thought process occurring while writing.
The third essay was very well written and it had a lot of evidence in which supported the thesis which was, “Through all of this Ellie Wiesel inevitably illuminates the novel as a whole.” I think the writer went out on a limb by choosing this novel. I initially thought the writer should have chosen a better story for this topic, but after seeing how he/ she made it all come together I have to give them props because I would have never been able to come up with that. My only suggestion to the writer is to make sure they stay on topic, because I felt like it may have drifted a little.
Essay 1
ReplyDeleteI approve of the author's choice of Lord of the Flies, as the boys' personalities and attitudes frequently clash and create strong foils. The author's thesis statement is also strong as it makes a definite claim while incorporating all the elements of the prompt. The plot summary is also present and is not too brief nor does it drag on too long. The author provides a nice amount of support for their thesis and consistently keeps the information relevant to the meaning of the whole work. At times, however, the author ventures too far into just the conflict between the boys rather than the difference between Ralph and Jack. In general, the author did a good job with providing more than enough evidence to support their claim, but they should make sure that the evidence that they provide is directly relevant to what they are trying to prove and not just observations about the piece.
Essay 2
I believe that the author's choice of Macbeth was very wise as Shakespeare creates connections between many characters and it is easy to support the claim that one character is the foil of another. However, while the thesis statement is certainly present, I am not quite sure what it means to "execute a piece of literature effectively." Also, the thesis does not reference the prompt in terms of illuminating the meaning of a work and is therefore not as strong as it could be. Unfortunately, the author does not give a brief plot summary but merely cites the fame of Macbeth. I do not feel that the author sufficiently supported their thesis. The author gives only one piece of supporting information that is relevant to the theme in the third paragraph. There is simply not enough support in the essay to adequately prove the thesis. I do like, though, that the author discusses the relevance of the conflict between Macbeth and Macduff to the structure of the play, if not so much the meaning of the work. I would advise this author to provide more evidence and keep more closely to specific prompt.
Essay 3
While Night would not have been my first choice because the well developed characters are not in direct conflict with each other, it is nevertheless possible to highlight certain characters with others. However, the brief plot summary seems too much like a thesis statement, making it unclear as to what exacly the author is trying to prove. What I believe to be the thesis statement (the last sentence of paragraph 1) does not clearly emphasize the difference between Elie and his father, but only the struggles of Elie himself. Furthermore, the author did a much better job at supporting the personal struggles of Elie than the fact that Elie and his father are foils. The author did, however, provide a great deal of support for Elie's struggles in relation to his father supporting the novel's meaning of survival. I urge the author to tie their response more closely to the prompt (support the idea of foils more strongly) and to improve their legibility, as many letters seemed to merge together.
Essay 1:
ReplyDeleteFor this essay, the writer used the phenomenal book Lord of the Flies, Which I personally prefer for this type of question that asks for a foil. The thesis, “The relationship conflict between Ralph and Jack, his foil, illuminates the meaning of the work as a whole.” This right here establishes a type of mood and what type of person this writer here, so this is a strong thesis since basically we can ask this writer, “Prove it.” Also, this writer uses the word “illuminate” which was recommended. The best summary, is a summary that could be simplified into a sentence or two, I believe this writer summed the whole book up quite well, in just a sentence. Throughout the book, the writer didn’t really drift off and talk about something totally different from the original thesis, he stuck with it till the end of the essay. If I were to give criticism to this great essay I would say that this writer should write neater, because some of the words I could not read at all. But this essay was very well written, this student demonstrates a use of high vocab and shows that he truly understands this piece of literature.
Essay 2:
For this essay, This writer chose to write about the wonderful book Macbeth, this is also a great literature, since Macduff is the foil of Macbeth, they even have similar names. His Thesis statement was quite evident stating how the similarities and differences of Macbeth and macduff give us a deen insight on the play. However, I did not see a one to two sentence summery about the book, it would have made her introduction paragraph from good to great! So the next time, he should defiantly include the one to two sentence summery of the book. This writer did do a good job by sticking to his thesis through out this play. This writer does show that she has the capability to write a essay far much better than this, but I believe she is not using all of her potential. The vocab level of this student is high and it seems like she knows what she is talking about.
Essay 3:
For this essay, this writer chose to write about the great book Night, However, for this type of essay, talking about characters and their foils, I would not think night would be the book to refer to, such as Macbeth, Hamlet, and even Lord of the Flies. But, this writer proved my wrong by actually proving to us that this book does demonstrate the uses of foils. If she/ he wrote about a different book, I believe this essay would be far better than is already is. The thesis statement, “Eli’s father acts as a minor character which emphasizes Eli’s strengths and strong mentality for the will to survive in a concentration camp,” was a great way to establish a strong thesis, and keeps the reader engage to read more. The One to two sentence summery was great and shows us what type of person this writer is. This writer demonstrates a level of high understanding of the book, uses great transitions to help make the essay flow. However im still opposed to the book choice and would like to see her/him use a piece of literature such as Hamlet, which we recently read.
Essay 1- The writer chose to discuss Lord of the Flies by William Golding, I think this was a great novel for him to use because he seemed to know what he was talking about very well. He demonstrates his understanding of the novel in the 4th and 5th paragraphs when he explains the symbolism of Piggy’s glasses, and uses them to support his idea. I really liked his opening paragraph; he went right to the point while still giving us the information necessary. His opening paragraph consists of a brief two sentence summary, followed by the thesis statement, and the supporting ideas. The writer managed to write a short overview without including unnecessary details. The writer also did a good job supporting his thesis. I liked the way he not only compared and contrasted the two characters, but he also used other characters and important symbols in the novel to support his thesis as well. One of the things that this writer did that I believed helped enhanced his essay was the fact that he uses “Lord of the Flies related” vocabulary such as, “survival of the fittest”. Small details such as that small quote shows the reader that the writer knows what he is talking about. Something that I would suggest is that next time, he focuses a little more on explaining more how the foils “illuminate” the work as a whole, instead of just compare and contrasting them.
ReplyDeleteEssay 2- The writer chose to discuss Macbeth by William Shakespeare. This was a great choice because you will always find what you need in any of Shakespeare’s plays. The opening paragraph of this essay is quite long. The writer does include a thesis statement in it however, and I like how he puts it in his own words. He did not have a short overview in his opening paragraph, which would have been nice to tie in with the thesis. The writer was not very successful at supporting his thesis. I felt that what he was mainly doing was just restating his thesis, and explaining what the play would be like without the foils. Instead, he should have explained how the play is with the foils. Something that I liked about this essay was the fact that he used the quote “fair is foul and foul is fair”. Using quotes is a strong point that I think scorers praise. I would suggest that next time the writer writes a more concise introduction that gets to the point but still provides what’s needed. Also, using examples from the play to support your idea is very helpful since it shows comprehension of the piece and backs up your thesis.
Essay 3- The writer chose to use Night by Elie Wiesel to write her essay. I don’t think it was the greatest choice, but the writer seemed to know what she was talking about. The introduction I thought was great. She had a good overview, and a strong thesis. Overall, this was a really good essay. It was well written, it had excellent examples, and it always tied in to the novel as a whole. I like the way the writer seems to clearly know what she is talking about. A suggestion that I would give the writer however, is to only write what is necessary. I felt like the writer summarized all of the examples she used instead of just stating them (since we should assume that the person scoring the essay already read the novel). Also, instead of the thesis stating that “Elie” illuminates the novel as a whole, she should have written, that “their relation” illuminates the novel as a whole. Another suggestion would be for her to not only point out the strengths of Elie, but also his weaknesses. Finally, I would like to say that this was a good essay, and my criticism is only constructive :)
In the first essay that we read, I felt that the author did a great job highlighting only key points of Lord of the Flies in the essay and integrating how other characters helped to show the differences between Ralph and Jack. There were some great points that I would have loved to see elaborated on more, though, like the threat of the beast. It was on such a great track, but I felt like the head of the pig was such a pivotal moment in the novel, that it could have had more on it. There were also a few things that I felt could have been left out because they were a slight tangent off the original essay, but overall the word choice was fantabulous and the essay definitely kept the reader hooked. I had a slight issue reading it though.
ReplyDeleteOh the second essay. I kind of went Ms. Manzella all over this one. It had the makings of a great essay, except that it didn’t go anywhere. I may, in fact, have yelled at this paper. There were great words like insight, theme, foil, and even a great quote (“What’s fair is foul and what’s foul is fair”), but there were NO examples anywhere in the text. There was a great thesis statement, but I felt like I was reading the same sentence reworded throughout the piece. Macbeth was a tough novel choice to take on I think, because there was just so much to contrast between them. That being said, I felt there was no specific comparison nor contrast between them in this piece. It’s a good start to what could be a nice essay. Bien hecho Ahmed.
The third essay was an interesting choice. I agree with most people in that it was out-of-the-box to choose Night for an essay about foil. I am not sure if it captured the essence completely of what the question was asking, but there is such a great knowledge about the novel that I cannot help but to like this essay. There is quite a bit of plot summary here, which doesn’t all seem necessary, but the majority of it was well developed. If I’m being overly picky here, I would say that the word choice could be a little more advanced, but it does not hinder the essay. I liked the way this author perceived the essay question and the conclusion is well written. You go Glen Coco!
I thought Lord of the Flies was definitely an appropriate choice for the prompt. Essay 1 had a solid introduction paragraph, which presented an arguable thesis. This paragraph also included a one sentence overview of the plot, presented in a way that emphasized the two characters who were foils, to stay relevant to the thesis. The writer supported the thesis well throughout the essay with well-chosen examples from the novel. In Essay 1, the writer provided an in-depth analysis of the interactions between Ralph and Jack, but the writer did sometimes drift a little too much into the plot.
ReplyDeleteThe writer of Essay 2 did choose a relevant piece of literature. The writer did include a thesis statement in the opening paragraph, but the paragraph seemed like it could have been more effective if it was a bit shorter and more to the point. The writer spoke only in very general terms, and there was no overview of the plot. The writer could have supported the thesis more effectively if the thesis had been worded in a way that it could be proven. The writer should have also used specific examples of events in the play and elaborated on them. The writer did analyze the names of the characters well, but could have provided more specific details from the play to better support the ideas presented in the thesis.
I was surprised that the writer for Essay 3 chose Night, but the writer did use the book effectively to answer the prompt. The opening paragraph included a thesis statement that took an arguable position, and a short but effective summary of the plot. The writer also tied the essay back to the prompt by including the phrase, "illuminates the novel as a whole." The writer supported the thesis well throughout the essay, with examples of how exactly Elie had to try and save his father's life and how it affected him. The writer did a good job of choosing and analyzing different aspects of the book, but could have focused on Elie and his father as foils more to relate to the prompt.
Essay 1 I think that the writer should definitely work on his writing. Throughout the entire essay I understood bites and parts which made it hard for me to understand what he was trying to say. I noticed that the writer connects his E’s with other letters and he writes his N’s backwards which is very confusing. The parts that I could understand were very interesting and the piece of literature that the writer chose was a great piece and could be manipulated in many ways. This writer seemed to have control over the topic he was writing about but I suggest that the writer take a little extra time to make sure that he is writing neat so that it could be read by scorers. Overall, the writer had a strong thesis and opening paragraph that summarizes Lord of the Flies in one sentence and includes the author’s name.
ReplyDeleteEssay 2 My initial thought to this paper was the fact that the writer had a very neat and legible hand writing which makes the essay easier to read and understand. I do think that the play Macbeth was a very good piece of literature to write about but I also felt like the writer didn’t have a clear understanding of what the play was about. Throughout the entire essay I got the impression that the writer was being very general and didn’t use specific evidence for what was suggested. On the other hand I did think that the ideas the writer used were strong enough to create a great essay. I suggest that the writer chooses a piece of literature that he knows specific evidence about and that he is comfortable with. In addition, this writer sometimes repeats himself and this shows the reader that he either is getting board with the topic or that he isn’t putting much thought into the essay. Last but not least, I did see some sort of thesis in the writer’s introduction but I didn’t see the writer say how the two foil characters illuminate the meaning of the work as a whole. Overall, the essay was very general and short. I think if the writer is going to write 4 paragraphs he should make them stronger and more straight forward and specific. My last suggestion is that the writer takes a couple minutes to think about what he is going to write and then start writing from that point on.
Essay 3 The writer of this essay wrote about a good piece of literature. Although this essay was easier to read than essay 1 it was harder to read than essay 2. I suggest that this reader take a little more time to write her essay. In addition, I thought that the writers ideas were very good but she had too many in this one essay. I suggest that her essay should be shorter with solid ideas that she can expand on. She does use evidence to prove what she suggests but if it was shorter the reader would be more focused on the main topic. I do suggest that this writer use transition sentences because the writer sentences are too straight forward, but overall good. Although this essay was good I don’t think that the writer talked about how the two characters are foils. I suggest that writer also focuses on the main topic.
The first essay used Lord of The flies which is a great piece to analyze for this prompt because of the large use of symbols that “illuminates” piece as a whole as well as the hidden character. I liked the use of Piggy glasses because there is so much material you can utilize just in a simple object such as the clarity of vision, and Insight of a situation. I think the writer used a very good thesis. The thesis could have been a little clearer but over all the topic is one I think you could write for days on. I think overall the first essay is pretty complete. I think it was a pretty well written essay. I think if I had a suggestion I would improve your writing skills. I have pretty bad handwriting so I understand how it is easier to write sloppy while rushed. But overall when you write better you demonstrate a better understanding and a less rushed paper.
ReplyDeleteEssay two, used Macbeth. Macbeth is also another good book. I think he could have done better with the book if he had recently read the book or brushed up on some of the important characters such as foils. One of the strengths of the essay is that it is very clear. The writing is feminine ( sorry ) but its one of the advantages you have because there is little struggle to read what you are trying to convey. I think he could have elaborated on his ideas. He had really good topics but never completed them with how it illuminated the story. I think the writer could elaborate more and retouch on the topic before using the novel.
Essay three, was good, But used a rather unique novel. I think this novel or comparison to the prompt might have been a little harder to complete in the allotted time. I think the write had a very good thesis overall but I think with a little more structured and formulated paragraphs would take this essay to another level. I think the writers thesis is well developed but I think it could explain a number of different prompts. Instead of how it illuminates the story I think the writer explained how important the Foil is to the story but didn’t cross over into the mass important he had on the story. The essay I think was well written, as well as neat hand writing. I think the essay would have been better with a little more time or a little more time planning were she was going to go with each paragraph. As a general suggestion I would have liked to see a small paragraph on how it illuminated the essay instead of how he changed the dynamics of the novel.
Sincerely, Da Boss
ReplyDeleteEssay one:
ReplyDeleteThe first person had a very good essay. He chose a relevant piece (Lord of the Flies) and justified his position. The thesis sentence was concise and clear. The author justified the interactions between Ralph and Jack quite well. The thesis was supported throughout with relevant examples to the prompt. My one suggestion to this author would be to focus more on the his thesis, because despite it being strong and well-supported, there were still times where he seemed to drift off topic.
Essay two:
This author had a fantastic start to the essay. He chose a great piece (Macbeth), the AP loves it when we use Shakespeare. The penmanship was beautiful. I felt as though this author had a really good start to the essay but didn’t fully develop the ideas. It seemed as though he ran out of time. The thesis and arguments could have been more clear cut, but it is clear that the author has a very strong writing voice, and if given more time, I think this essay would have been even more amazing than it already is.
Essay three:
To me, I felt like this writer had a great writing voice. He/she seemed to have a very good understanding of the book she chose (Night). The thesis was clear, the summary was effective. The thesis was well-supported throughout the piece. The one thing that I have a concern about is once he/she got to the body of the piece, he/she did not tie it back to prompt.
PS. Diction.
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