Begin by reading the following excerpt from an A.P. guide:
Passage One: Richard Wright's "Between the World and Me"
One of the rewards of looking for passages for a new edition of our AP book is the discovery of wonderful but obscure pieces such as "Between the World and Me." Wright, whose representation in high school syllabi usually consists of either his poignant autobiography Black Boy or his powerful novel Native Son, is seldom anthologized as a poet. However, as this haunting poem attests, his powers in this genre were equally impressive. "Between the World and Me" describes how a Thoreau-or-Frost-like foray into the woods does not always yield a pacific experience. In this case the speaker stumbles upon a gruesome site-the remains of a scene of horrific violence. The evidence that remains-a skeleton, blood-soaked articles of clothing, a pile of ashes, and an empty liquor flask among other things-is all dormant, a fact reflected by the tranquil diction such as "slumbering" (line 4), "cushion" (line 4), "vacant" (line 7), and "empty" (line 7). Still, the aura of the place of execution, particularly the "Scattered traces of tar, restless arrays of feathers, and the lingering smell of gasoline" (line 9), brings the experience powerfully to life in both the speaker's and the reader's imaginations. Though the speaker comes upon the site in the morning, just as "the sun poured yellow surprise into the eye sockets of a stony skull" (line 10), he feels the ground grip his feet and his heart being "circled by icy walls of fear-" (line 12). Those readers familiar with Toni Morrison's Beloved may recognize this experience as similar to what Sethe calls her "rememory," a powerful association of a particular place with the actions associated with it. While pondering the skull and the remnants of that tragic night, the speaker is transported back to that awful moment. In his dark reverie he imaginatively becomes the unfortunate victim: shivering in the cold of the night wind, hearing the yelps of the pursuing hounds, surrounded by the crowd of cruel faces, bloodied and tortured by callous and inhumane hands. The ignominies he vicariously suffers-beating, sexual humiliation, tarring-and-feathering, and incineration-drive home the horrors of the actual African-American experience in a shockingly immediate way. Lines 18-25, which climactically juxtapose images of violence, religion, and childhood innocence, are brilliantly contrasted by the understated ending in which speaker and skeleton quietly become one. For some this poem may be too powerful, but as classroom teachers we have always felt it our moral duty to situate students in the real world. One reads Night or watches Schindler's List with the same purpose: to recognize the human capacity for evil, to be appalled by its callous manifestations, and to promote the necessary vigilance to deter such horrible episodes from ever happening again.As literature, Wright's poem is a powerful pedagogical tool, providing insight into a sordid historical epoch and a window into one African-American's response to it.
Your assignment:
Read the following student writing samples A, B, C & D. For each sample, provide:
1. A general assessment/impression
2. A comment on clarity of purpose (thesis statement) & whether or not you have a clear sense of where the writer was going to go in his/her body paragraphs.
3. A compliment (something the writer did well)
4. A concern/suggestion (something missing, over or under-developed, off-track, vague, wordy, grammatical flaws, formatting issues, etc.)
Sample A:
In Richard Wright's "Between the World and Me" the narrator stumbles across the scene of a long-gone lynching. This discovery shocks him to his core, and part of the poem was him just reeling from the blow dealt by the sight. The narrator changes throughout the piece, representing the author's feeling as time progressed, and how it affects him. Wright also uses powerful imagery to illustrate his emotions, altogether making a powerful piece of literature.
*Effects of imagery
*Effects of Point of view
*Author's emotions at the scene
Sample B:
The speakers uses of varied imagery helps to show the reader exactly how he felt in a descriptive and memorable way. As the speaker stumbles over the body there is disbelief of what eh sees. Toward the beginning he spoke about how seeing this body affected both him and the world but as he starts to get focused on the "scattered traces of tar, restless array of feathers, and lingering smell of gasoline" he started to see himself in the actual situation. The more the imagery is filled with details the more personal the scene feels to him.
*What he found and how the varied imagery made it more personal to him.
*How his attitude changed based on the varied imagery.
Sample C:
Throughout "Between the World and Me," by Richard Wright, the author uses imagery to communicate his attitude toward what he found in the woods. Towards the start of the poem, he is surprised by the scene of destruction that he finds in an otherwise peaceful forrest. As he examines the scene, he begins to feel the emotions that the victim of the scene would have felt. His fear transitions into almost a flashback of what happened as his viewpoint shifts to that of the skull he finds at the scene. However, at the conclusion of the poem, the narrator brings his feelings together with those of the skull through repetition of the imagery.
*The imagery in the second stanza- compares the forest to a human, then showing a human- "tiny veins of burnt leaves" & "charred stump of a sapling pointing a blunt finger accusingly at the sky"
*Description of his feeling "icy walls of fear"
*The flashback
*Repetition of "yellow surprise at the sun"
Sample D:
The poem "between the world and me" written by richard wright gives great examples of imagery and similes/metaphores such as the metaphore in line 6, "There was a torn tree....of greasy hemp." This metaphore is comparing this torn tree with the narrator himself. When he is referring to the "torn tree" he is basically saying that the narrator is torn from the inside. Throughout this poem the narrator is constantly shifting his POV, point of view. he goes from first person point of view to 3rd person pov, when he was revealing how torn up he is, by saying, "yellow suprise into the eye sockets of the stony skull," when he was referring to himself.
*shifting POV
Sample A: My overall impression of this paragraph is that I think it is well organized with the title and the author in the opening sentence. I thought that it was kind of confusing to pin point exactly what the writer was going to talk about in their three main body paragraphs. I love the vocabulary this author used and it shows that they have an understanding of the poem through this first introductory paragraph. My one suggestion would be to make the thesis more well known to the reader and then support it with the three points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. I feel that it is all there, just not put together in a cohesive manner.
ReplyDeleteSample B: My first impression of reading only the first sentence of this paragraph is that it does not include the author and the title. This is the basis to the introduction. I am confused on where the thesis is. I think the writer meant it to be the first sentence but there are not clear claims on what he is going to talk about in the following paragraphs. I feel this is more of a body paragraph due to the great detail and description of the imagery. My compliment would be that there is a great use of vocabulary. A concern of mine would be that there is a quotation in the introduction and a person should never place a quote in the into and should save it for the body paragraphs.
Sample C: My overall impression of this paragraph is that it is very well written with a great use of diverse vocabulary and an overall understanding of the poem. I feel that the thesis is easy to find “the author uses imagery…forest” and I feel that there are three solid arguments to support this claim. This person seems to understand what occurred in the poem and I feel like a strong essay would follow this opening paragraph. A suggestion of mine would be to stick to 5 paragraphs because with the information below the paragraph it seemed as though the writer was going to write a 6 paragraph essay and I am afraid that they will not finish in time.
Sample D: I feel as though this person has some polishing up to do on their introductions. The author and the title of the poem were not capitalized and there is no stated thesis. The person started out with a quote and then began to analyze it. There should be no analysis in the first paragraph. The introduction is specifically for the author and title, thesis and three claims to what the body paragraphs are going to be about. This person does not have the three claims and bases their entire paragraph off of the quote and metaphor that they wrote. A compliment would be that there was a good analysis on this quote, it just was not properly placed in the essay as a whole. A suggestion would be to include what is necessary in the introduction and not do what you are supposed to do in the boyd paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteSample A
ReplyDeleteA general assessment/impression I had about this introduction was that it could have been better. I feel like the author could have took this introduction further, instead of just saying “the narrator changes throughout the piece”. On the contrary, I feel like the thesis was clear and easy to identify. But, the thesis should be explained more in the introduction. A compliment I would give this introduction is that the author restated the question very well, and as the readers we understand what he/she is going to talk about. A concern I had about this introduction was that it was under-developed, and the author could have went into more detail about how the narrator changes through the story. For example, he/she says it illustrates his emotions, but doesn’t say how it makes him feel.
Sample B
A general assessment/impression I had about this introduction was that I didn’t feel like it answered the question. The thesis statement is clear and he/she says varied imagery helps show the reader how he felt, but he/she is not telling us how the reader felt. A compliment I would give this introduction is that he/she uses a lot of information from the text and this only helps. A concern I have about this essay is that it is sort of vague about how the narrator feels. The question was to analyze how the speaker uses varied imagery to reveal his attitude toward what he has found, but this introduction does not give us a particular attitude of the narrator.
Sample C
A general assessment/impression I had about this introduction is that it is well developed and I think this introduction would write a very good essay. The thesis statement is very well written and it gets to the point right away. A compliment I would give this essay is that the author did not write “fluff”, but everything he/she wrote was on topic and gave us more information about how the narrator felt at certain times in the story. A small concern I have about this introduction is some spelling errors, I believe the author spelled forest wrong. But, overall it was a good introduction.
Sample D
A general assessment/impression I had about this introduction was that the author should have used less support from the text, and more of his/her thoughts. I could not identify a thesis statement in this introduction. The author goes straight into talking about a specific example from the text without telling us what he is going to write about. A compliment I would give this introduction is that the author analyzes the metaphor well, but I feel like this should not be in the introduction. Concerns I have about this introduction are the spelling/grammatical errors. Also, a concern I have about this introduction is that I don’t know where it would really take this essay.
Sample A: Overall, I thought this was a decent introduction. The writing is concise and the author was able to summarize the whole poem in a couple coherent sentences. Rich vocabulary is also used, which I feel made the introduction stronger, and I also found little to no grammatical flaws. However, the writer could’ve made this thesis clearer and I found it difficult to interpret what the essay was going to be talking about. If the writer added more information about what they were going to write about, then the thesis would’ve strengthened by a lot.
ReplyDeleteSample B: In my opinion, it feels as if the writer rushed through the introduction. They forgot to include the author and the name of the piece, which is essential. There are also many blatant grammatical mistakes and certain parts were awkwardly worded. It was also a bit hard to tell what the thesis exactly was, and the writer probably could’ve used more evidence for their essay other than the varied imagery. However, they mentioned the speaker viewing the body burning and then picturing him in the situation, which shows that the writer understood the poem and I commend them for that. My suggestion is to use a quote in a body paragraph instead of the introduction.
Sample C: This was definitely a well-developed introduction. The writer was concise and was able to discuss their thesis in a clear manner without the use of any fluff. There was also a rich use of vocabulary, which strengthened the introduction even more, and it was easy to interpret what the writer was going to discuss in the essay. Based off an introduction like this, the writer could’ve developed a very well-written essay. The only concern I have is the few grammatical errors I saw.
Sample D: This introduction seemed more like a body paragraph than an actual introduction. They elaborated on the use of metaphors and the point of view instead of simply stating the fact that the author used metaphors to help the essay topic. There were also multiple grammatical mistakes, and the writer didn’t even capitalize the name of the poem and the author’s name. My suggestion to this writer is to not include any analysis in the introduction and save any significant quotes for the body paragraphs. I question the direction where the essay’s going, because it seems as if the writer would’ve been redundant about certain things. However, it was a good analysis of the metaphors/POV; it just would’ve been more effective if it was placed into a body paragraph.
Sample A- My first impression of this opening paragraph was that the writer understood the passage well. I was able to identify the thesis clearly and it was well written. I also liked how it went right to the point instead of trying to just fill up space with words. My only suggestion would be that next time, the writer should explain in a sentence how is it that the author changes instead of just saying that he changes. The writer should also include the three topics he is going to discuss in his essay. This helps the reader understand better the arguments for the thesis.
ReplyDeleteSample B- My first impression was, “wait what, let me read this again.” I like the way the writer used specific examples from the passage to start his essay; however, I think some of those details should have been left for the body paragraphs instead of trying to fit everything in the opening paragraph. I was able to identify the thesis in the very first sentence. As a suggestion, I think the writer should include the name of the passage and the Author in his opening paragraph. Also, it was a little bit confusing to read, it seemed like the ideas were not well organized. Maybe that is something the writer can work on as well.
Sample C- My first impression of this opening paragraph was that it had everything that is needed in a good introduction. He has a simple but well written thesis, and a short summary of the passage. Based on the possible ideas the writer was planning to write about, I can guess that this was going to be a great essay with a lot of details. A suggestion I have is that next time, the writer should end his opening paragraph with a sentence that transitions into his first body paragraph. Overall, I think this was a good start of an essay.
Sample 4- My first impression of this introduction was that it did not really appear to me as an opening paragraph but rather like the start of a body paragraph. I was not able to identify a thesis. I like the way the writer seemed to know what he was talking about with the metaphor, but I don’t think it should have been included in the opening paragraph. I think the writer should next time try to just mention what he is going to talk about in his introduction, and then go into details later on. I believe that with a little more practice on how to write well developed opening paragraphs, this writer can potentially write an awesome introduction.
Sample A: My first impression was that the writer was right on track with the poem. I liked their thesis, I think it could be a little stronger by adding a little more detail, but it was good enough to make me want to continuing reading. Though I like this introduction, I think a little more information could have been added, and looking at their three points to see where the essay was going to go I think the writer should have been a little more specific, meaning elaborate on how the effects of imagery and the point view had on the poem as a whole. Overall, this was a decent introduction.
ReplyDeleteSample B: My initial impression was… well I don’t know I was just a little confused. The writer should use proper punctuation such as an apostrophe in “speakers.” The writer states, “The speaker uses varied imagery…” which is obvious but I think the writer should have stated what type of imagery was used and what effect it had. The writer should be more specific and add more details; also not to forget to include the title and the author of the poem. If this was developed some more I think it would have been okay , but a concern that I have is that I don’t believe this would have been a successful essay because the three… well two points that the writer was going to discuss in the body paragraphs aren’t strong or detailed enough develop a decent paragraph.
Sample C: A general assessment/ impression I had on this introduction are that it is well developed and the writer seemed confident in what he/she was talking about. The thesis is very clear and straightforward. This introduction seems to be perfect because it has everything needed, including the one sentence summary. I don’t have a concern for this writer because he/she has all the assets it needs in order to be a successful essay.
Sample D: The first thing that caught my attention was that the title of the poem and author’s name wasn’t capitalized, that is a problem and a concern because this is one of the first things you learn when you start writing. The writer also mentions “imagery, and similes/ metaphors” used in the poem but he/she only describes the metaphor. I compliment him/her on the connection he/she made on the torn tree to the narrator. Concerns I have are that the thesis isn’t clearly stated… that’s if there is even is one, and also I feel like the essay would have not been successful because the intro needs some work and the writer mentions the shifting POV and gives a example/ quote but they don’t mention how it effects the poem as a whole and if he/she didn’t mention that then the overall essay would have gotten a low score because that’s the only thing they listed to talk about in the body paragraphs.
Sample A: My impression after reading this introduction was that it was to the point and well written. I thought that the author did well with managing an overall summery of what the poem was addressing. The author also did well with stating the title and author in the first sentence making the introduction feel nicely structured. Although there were many things the author did well on, I think the author lacked on creating a strong thesis statement. The thesis statement was difficult to find which made it difficult for me to understand where the rest was going. So I don’t think that the rest of the essay would have been very good. The only suggestion that I would give to the introduction would be to make the thesis statement clearer and provide more information.
ReplyDeleteSample B: My initial impression and feel after reading the introduction was that it felt rushed. Like for example, the author starts the introduction without addressing the title and author of the poem, but instead rushes into explaining what the poem was about. I thought the thesis statement was clear and easy to identify from the first sentence. From the thesis I knew that the author was going to talk about how the imagery affected the speaker of the poem. The author did well with providing supporting evidence for the thesis statement: “scattered traces of tar….gasoline.” I think the author could have started the introduction in a better way, like introducing the title and author and then expanding off of that.
Sample C: I thought that this introduction was organized nicely and stuck to the thesis. The thesis was easily recognized in the first opening sentence. I felt that the author knew what was happening in the poem and could have a decent essay after the introduction. The author did well with addressing the title and author of the poem and incorporating the thesis with it. The author talked about the way the speaker in the poem felt, as well as how the victim would have felt which made the introduction feel well planned. The only concern I have were the grammatical mistakes like “forrest”.
Sample D: I thought that the author for this introduction did well with addressing the similes and metaphors. I thought that mentioning these two devices are important considering it was used a lot throughout the poem. I thought the use of quotes were used with good attempt but it also seemed to be the only things talked about in the introduction. The author did well with a clear thesis statement. I think that the essay could go in a good direction but the body paragraphs would have to be better than just “point of view”. Another thing that I would suggest for this introduction would be to be more careful with capitalization, like capitalizing “richard wright.”
Sample A: To me sample A was, while nicely worded, not very profound. The language and vocabulary were well chosen, but did not really serve a purpose. I couldn’t really find a thesis statement in the passage. While a good start, I feel like the author could have used more focus.
ReplyDeleteSample B: I noticed immediately the author used a quote which is a good sign in my book. Reading in more detail, I can tell what the thesis statement, and what the author plans to discuss in his body paragraphs. I liked the clarity of the author’s intro, and my only suggestion would be rewording the last sentence.
Sample C: The thesis statement in sample C is perfectly clear, and I like how they used a reasonable amount of adjectives, without going overboard. While I think the author had good balance, I think there may have been a little too much focus on the essay topic. While this might sound a little odd, I just feel like the intro could have been expanded further.
Sample D: This passage also used a quote, which I think adds a lot to the essay, and gives a good first impression. One thing I notice however is it seems more like a body paragraph than an introduction, and that the thesis is not perfectly clear. I think this intro was a very good framework, and could just have used a little more refinement.
A. Although this sample's thesis is not as clear as those of tsome of the other samples, I believe that it is actually stronger and sets the foundation for a strong essay. In particular, the writer mentions how the author of the poem uses imagery to show the transformations and changes in the narrator throughout the story. Unfortunatly, the writer veers off track by not providing a good amount of outlined support for the thesis. I think the writer did a great job at showing the relevance of the imagery to the piece and chose an appropriate ammount of material to work with. One piece of advice that I would give is to create more of a "path" for yourself to show yourself and the AP grader where exactly you are going to go.
ReplyDeleteB. In my opinion, sample B is altogether not that great. The writer begins to make claims without any sort of introduction as to the author or the specific piece. Most of the paragraph felt like a simple retelling of the story without any additional insight or desire to prove something. I believe that the thesis is supposed to be the first sentence, but it is not very strong nor does it very definitively say *how* the speaker used the varied imagery. The introduction seems to vague to develop into a tight and discrete essay. I do like, however, that the writer included a quote to help support their thesis, even though it doesnt seem to fit that well with the thesis. I would urge the writer to develop their ideas into a more cohesive and flowing unit.
C. While sample C is quite eloquent, it is also very superficial. The author states their thesis in the first sentence, which by itself is very broad since it makes no specific claim as to the how of the imagery. The author then goes on to give a short summary of the story; each of the body sentences can in itself be a specific thesis to prove. For example, the chaos in a peaceful forest, or the repetition. The writer therefore seems to have the opposite problem as some of the other writers: they bite off more than they can chew, which would probably lead to an inferior, watered down essay. I do believe, though, that the author did an excellent job transitioning through the introduction. My one advice would be to pick a thesis and run with it; quality vs quantity.
D. Sample D seemed much more like a bulleted list of brainstormed ideas rather than a developed and cohesive introduction. The thesis, which is probably the first sentence, only states that the author does use imagery, but does not develop that idea into to what effect it is used, akin to "the author uses diction." I do commend the atempt at the use of a quote, but it seems like only filler in an introduction that seems to much like a body paragraph in its relatively in depth analysis rather than an opening paragraph that sets a course for the rest of the essay. Lack of proper capitalization and syntax, like using slashes, makes the essay seem unfocused and haphazard. This paragraph should be used to plan out the real introduction.
Sample A:
ReplyDeleteThe impression I got from this introduction paragraph is that, first of all it was pretty well organized and this author demonstrated a use of high leveled vocabulary and certainly gave emphasis to this intro. I suggest for the author to make his or her thesis statement more evident and give precise examples or topics the author will address in the upcoming/ body paragraphs. I would also suggest for the writer to explain and make the introduction paragraph a little longer for it to be more effective. But overall, as a practice assignment I would say this student did fairly well.
Sample B:
First of all, the first sentence of the introduction paragraph did not include the poem name and the name of the author that wrote the poem. Im not exactly sure where this author is going with this intro because in my opinion, the thesis was not that apparent either. Just like the first essay, this student does show the use of great vocabulary. I had a feeling that this intro was considered more as a body paragraph since it begins with a claim and not with a introduction to the piece. Also, as I was reading over, I spotted some grammatical mistakes, but I believe that the author was rushing just to get his/her point across, which next time, the author should make sure that there is no mistakes. This essay would have went in a good direction but the author was rushed so I suggest the author plans out what he is going to write about before he actually writes the intro.
Sample C:
The first impression I got from this sample introduction, was that it was very well organized, you can even tell that this person took his time to think and therefore it resolved into a great intro. The thesis was clearly stated, and supported greatly to. However I did notice some spelling errors, but that wont influence the students grade a whole lot. This student did demonstrate a high level of vocabulary.
Sample D:
In this case, this student did a good job of addressing the poem and the author of the poem, However, the student committed some blatant mistakes with capitalization. The authors name is supposed to be capitalized; on top of that, the name of the poem should also be capitalized. Throughout this intro the student made many grammatical mistakes. Also, This I would consider this more as a body paragraph than an introduction paragraph since this student states a quote and starts analyzing it, that could have been one of his bullet points for his body paragraphs. I also think that this student was all over the place, he should have made the thesis more evident. However, I liked the fact that this author identified the use of similes and metaphors in this poem.
I found Sample A to be a decent beginning to an essay. There was a great use of sophisticated language and an attempt to use a higher level of writing. However, I think inexperience hinders this introduction and it ends up sounding wordy and confusing, because it is difficult for the reader to find the thesis and distinguish it from the supporting reasons. I also think that the writer may have not completely answered the prompt question because there is no discussion of shifting points of view.
ReplyDeleteSample B does not seem like an enticing essay, I am sorry to say. There is a shift in tense throughout the paragraph that detracts from the well-developed ideas that the writer is trying to convey. There is no clear thesis in this introduction, but there is a great use of a quote to catch the reader’s attention. I also feel that the options for this person’s body paragraphs were very broad and could really end up being pages long on their own. Perhaps some more detailed planning would help this person organize their thoughts better.
I thought that Sample C had some great points and an awesome thesis that I could find easily. You can tell that the writer planned what he/she was going to write in the way that the retelling of the story also answers another part of the prompt. There is a great use of advanced language. The writer also chose great examples for his/her body paragraphs to support this thesis. Bad things… You misspelled forest. Oh my goodness! Just kidding. This is a great introduction. I don’t know what to fix about it….
Sample D made me a little sad. This would be a good body paragraph because it focuses so well on one metaphor. Please do not ever abbreviate point of view, no matter how tedious it gets to write it. There is a clear thesis and maybe some good supporting details. It seems like the writer ran out of time or something because the body paragraphs are non-existent. It seems very vague for the writer to simply put “shifting POV” and hope that he/she can elaborate on it later. Capitalization and spelling were also a slight issue that hinders the reader’s perspective of the writer. The writer clearly had some great ideas he/she wanted to elaborate on, but I think the writer could use some more practice with organizing ideas.
Overall, sample A seemed like it could have been a solid, strong introduction, but it wasn’t quite there. The thesis statement could have been a bit more specific. The writer did seem like they understood the poem, since they were able to effectively and concisely summarize it. The writing was also engaging, and the writer used a variety of words. However, it would have made the introduction stronger if the writer had taken a stronger position in the thesis statement, perhaps by saying specifically what emotions were being expressed, or by using a more specific description than “powerful” imagery.
ReplyDeleteMy initial impression of sample B was affected by the grammatical errors, and the fact that the author and title were not mentioned. It made the paragraph seem like part of the middle of a story, instead of the beginning, to use the description Ms. O’Donnell uses. The writer did begin to analyze some of the imagery, using a quote that was well-integrated into a sentence. The sentence would have been great in a body paragraph, to begin further analysis on part of the poem. The writer could improve their introduction by remembering the key things to include in an introduction, and not moving into the body paragraphs too soon.
My overall impression of sample C was that the writer had a good idea of what would be included in the essay. The thesis sentence was clearly present and related to the prompt, but could have been a bit more focused, or taken more of a position on the poem. The introduction seemed like it would have been the beginning of a good essay; the writer integrated topics for body paragraphs into a summary of the poem. If anything, the paragraph seemed to read like a list. The sentences could have had a bit more variety.
It seemed like sample D took too specific a viewpoint for an introduction paragraph. The thesis statement started out well but meandered off into a quote from the poem. I would complement the writer’s ability to recognize and interpret a metaphor, but this should be saved for a body paragraph. I am concerned about the spelling and grammatical errors in the paragraph. For instance, the author’s name and the title of the work should be capitalized. Also, the writer should include a broader description of the poem in the introduction, and mention several different ideas to be elaborated on in body paragraphs.
Sample A
ReplyDeleteMy initial thought of this intro personally was “impressive”. I thought that this person, after reading the prompt, had a good handle on what he/ she was going to write about. I also think that the writers essay would be very developed and successful if he/she would have finished the entire thing. The thesis statement I think was definitely there along with comprehension. One Compliment I would give is that this writer uses very good vocabulary and one concern I might have for this writer is that he/she might write too little and condense all of his/her writing
Sample B
My initial thought when reading this was “who is the author and what is the name of the poem”. I think that this person was confused on what she was writing and wanted to jot down something before time was over. The thesis statement was a little wishy washy and I think that this writer has the potential to do better in his/her writing. One compliment that I give this writer is that he/she had interesting point to touch on in the other paragraphs. One concern that I have for this writer is that he/she won’t develop the other paragraphs and be a little vague with them.
Sample C
My initial thought when reading this was that the writer had a good handle on the topic but I also think that the writer summarized the poem a little but to his/her advantage. The thesis statement was there and it showed that the writer had a clear mind of where he/she wanted to go. One complement that I have for this writer is that he/she wrote about 3 topics he would possibly talk about. One concern hat I have is that he/she won’t have enough time to execute their goal and rush toward the end and hurting their score.
Sample D
When I first read this paragraph I thought why isn’t the authors name in capitalization? What I also noticed was that this writer used a lot of quotes in the intro and I don’t necessarily know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. What this writer does do is go straight into the topic without many transition words. One compliment that I have for this writer is that he/she has a good opening with the authors name and the name of the poem. One concern that I have is that this writer will loose points for not capitalizing things that need to be capitalized. I also have a concern that this writer will not know what to write about in the other paragraphs and get stuck.
Sample A - Sample A is a solid start to the essay, the writer has a solid grasp of vocabulary and appears to have a good understanding of the essay. The author was concise and his three reasons seemed to be clear in the essay. I would say that although the author seemed to have a good writing style and seems to have a good understanding, the ideas seemed a tad bit underdeveloped. My suggestion to the author would be to slow down, take the time to fully develop and understand the ideas, it seemed as though the writer's hand was going faster than has brain. I also commend the handwriting, the penmanship made it much easier to read.
ReplyDeleteSample B - I felt like this introduction was quite unfocused. The author used a quote and analyzed it, but that's not what the introduction is for! The introduction is supposed to INTRODUCE to the reader the ideas. There was no mention of the title and author, and the grammatical errors really reduced the quality of the essay. I feel like this paragraph was better suited as a body paragraph, the idea wasn't bad, just not the one he/she needed for this assignment. The penmanship on this one also made it a wee bit hard to read, but that's okay.
Sample C - Of the four samples that we read, this one was the strongest from an organizational standpoint. The paragraph was well thought-out, but the ideas were shallow, and although he/she had a strong introduction I don't think the body paragraphs would have been as strong. The author of this, however, still met all of the criteria for the introduction and stayed organized throughout. I think what this writer needs to improve on is syntax and making sure that the it's not quite as monotonous next time. Overall, a solid start.
Sample D - This sample should not have been an introduction, the entire focus of it is analysis, with the writer including many quotes. On the bright side, the author uses the author and title. The grammar was also a weak point of the essay, but that could have been overlooked had the author met the criteria. The grammar REALLY gave a bad impression, especially in the introduction. The paragraph was unfocused and not organized. BUT, the analysis was alright. Also, work on your handwriting man......